High-priest Cu Cullen wants to dig up Hill of Tara!

Lordship of Motorways to be handed over to Irish Trolls

From the Newswire: The self-described ‘Soldier of Destiny’, Waterford property developer Martin Cu Cullen (aka ‘Cu Cullen’) has big plans for himself and the Hill of Tara, which lies disgracefully underdeveloped in County Meath. Soon he will build a 680 million euro motorway, and then they will come. They will know. “Toilets, for boys and girls, videos, sweeties, parking lot attendants, contracts, sub-contracts, burgers, hotels…you name it, we got it!” howls Cu Cullen gleefully.

Is this guy for real? Oh yes. This is no accident of fate, but the culmination of a life-long campaign, hatched by Cu Cullen when a youth, after he ate some old tuna fish and learned that the Ark of the Covenant was buried at Tara. He headed straight for politics as a means of using OPPM (other peoples public money) to achieve his divinely appointed destiny. And now he has mighty powers. Planning appeals are made to disappear, into thin air. New ones appear, just as magically and ‘Hypresto!’ they are passed. Money seems to flow in from bottomless wells in all directions for The Party. And everybody wants to take his picture!

Cleverly disguised as the Minister for the Environment and Heritage he has assembled a boatload of spanking new road building machinery, which is now being tested out on his other pet road 31 million project in Waterford. “The town has never been the same since Henry II took off with Strongbow, never to return. We are thinking of naming the motorway after him. He would be so proud of us.” Gone are the days of hitching a lift up the dark old Dublin road. “Welcome to Cullen Country!” Soon greater things will come, given the right campaign fund for his own coven of druid spin-doctors, tarot readers, bible-translators as well as experts in construction Yiddish, Hebrew and Old-Irish.

Key to the crafty scheme is his decision to hand over motorway lordship to his arch-allies, Irish Trolls, who will make hundreds of millions in profits. Dozens of troll booths are being erected in the middle of all traffic black spots, with armies of cars and lorries lining up to pay, and pay and pay, OR ELSE! Small teams of strike-force laser drones will harry motorists as they reach third gear, and bilk millions more. Even the clampers will be out in force. Genius.


FULL TEXT OF ORIGINAL NEWSWIRE CONTRIBUTION

Developer high-priest wants to dig up Hill of Tara!

Whispers are whispering up in Meath.

“Could it be? Has he prophetically returned, like the prophecies prophesized?”

The self-described ‘Soldier of Destiny’, Waterford property developer Martin Cu Cullen (aka ‘Cu Cullen’) has big plans for himself and the Hill of Tara, which lies disgracefully underdeveloped in County Meath. Soon he will build a 680 million euro motorway, and then they will come. They will know.

“Toilets, for boys and girls, videos, sweeties, parking lot attendants, contracts, sub-contracts, burgers, hotels…you name it, we got it!” howls Cu Cullen gleefully.

Is this guy for real? Oh yes. This is no accident of fate, but the culmination of a life-long campaign, hatched by Cu Cullen when a youth, after he ate some old tuna fish and learned that the Ark of the Covenant was buried at Tara. He headed straight for politics as a means of using OPPM (other peoples public money) to achieve his divinely appointed destiny.

And now he has mighty powers. Planning appeals are made to disappear, into thin air. New ones appear, just as magically and ‘Hypresto!’ they are passed. Money seems to flow in from bottomless wells in all directions for The Party. And everybody wants to take his picture!

Cleverly disguised as the Minister for the Environment and Heritage he has assembled a boatload of spanking new road building machinery, which is now being tested out on his other pet road 31 million project in Waterford. “The town has never been the same since Henry II took off with Strongbow, never to return. We are thinking of naming the motorway after him. He would be so proud of us.”

Gone are the days of hitching a lift up the dark old Dublin road. “Welcome to Cullen Country!” Soon greater things will come, given the right campaign fund for his own coven of druid spin-doctors, tarot readers, bible-translators as well as experts in construction Yiddish, Hebrew and Old-Irish.

Key to the crafty scheme is his decision to hand over motorway lordship to his arch-allies, Irish Trolls, who will make hundreds of millions in profits. Dozens of troll booths are being erected in the middle of all traffic black spots, with armies of cars and lorries lining up to pay, and pay and pay, OR ELSE! Small teams of strike-force laser drones will harry motorists as they reach third gear, and bilk millions more. Even the clampers will be out in force. Genius.

This is His Time. The appointment book overflowing with lunch appointments, with the many wanting to donate to this bold holy crusade. And all up and down the side of the motorways the land prices just keep rising, and everything keeps growing and growing. Magic “Raiding the Pension Fund though, that’s the best one of all…ehm.”

Secret Government documents, however, obtained through Liberation of Information by Remuneration, reveal that Cu Cullen, DID NOT participate in the original planning process for the Hill of Tara, commissioned by the Fir Bolgs and the Tuatha de Danann. Nor has he sought the consent of King Laoghaire or Saint Patrick! This, combined with the likely damage to fairy trees and the fact that he did not give his wife his ticket to Newgrange for the Solstice will no doubt lead to certain damnation.

Unless, that is, Cu Cullen can find the Ark of the Covenant first. Recently, a huge temple was discovered under the hill, by Government archaeologists. This has driven him to greater extremes in order to get his hands on it, demolishing everyone in his path. First to fall to his (small, but) might sword was the cursed wicked Duchass of Heritage. “Bitch don’t put out anyway.” Next, An Trashcan. “That sniveling snotty Dublin 4 landlord can eat my grits. I’m never buying him another bicycle again!”

Such is the malice of Martin. Ice cold, he is now busy shredding all existing copies of ‘National Monuments, Acts 1 to 5: ‘Heritage’, Act 1, and any other boring old plays that stand between himself and his Stone of Destiny. For is he not Ireland’s finest shining new Soldier of Destiny riding his Black chariot down the glimmering new super highway that is Ireland in the 21st century?

“No ridin’ around on asses and carts like Mary for me. Can you imagine what they’d think of me?”

Tune in for more next week, as Marty challenges the proud Fine Gael to an arm-wrestling competition.